I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
