She is in my trunk
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
