She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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