I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
