just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
