Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
