I just threw up on my dentist
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
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