I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
