Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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