What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
