Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
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