fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
