I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
