some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
