I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize