I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
