the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
