dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I need a beard to bite.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
