i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
