just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
