I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize