What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
