There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize