We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
