i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
