This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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