I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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