I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
