just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
