A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize