I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
