This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize