Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
