The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
