a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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