can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
