News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
