Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
