I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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