I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
