I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
