I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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