Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
