I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize