that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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