i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
