Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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