Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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