mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
