They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I checked into jail on foursquare
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
