got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
