Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
