Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
