My friends, they love my intelligence
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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