Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize