theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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